When You Can’t Find the Words in Couples Therapy
You came to couples therapy because you want things to get better. Then your partner starts describing the latest fight. They remember the details, know what they felt, and can explain why it hurt. You’re still trying to work out what happened inside you. By the time the therapist turns to you, you’re already bracing.
Maybe you go quiet. Maybe you correct one detail because it’s the only part of the conversation you know how to respond to. On the drive home, you think of three things you wish you’d said.
In Episode 61 of Tough Love for Men, Ryan Ginn talks with Allison Howe, a certified couples therapist and instructor with the PACT Institute, about why some men feel outmatched in couples therapy. They explore what both partners bring into the room and how a therapist can help them have a conversation both people can take part in.
What a PACT Therapist Watches in the Room
PACT stands for Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy. Allison describes it as a way of working with attachment, how people handle stress, and what their brains and bodies can do in a given moment. In a session, she pays close attention to the way a couple interacts as they tell their story.
Imagine hearing the same apology twice. In the first version, your partner says it quickly while looking at the floor. In the second, they slow down, turn toward you, and give you time to take it in. The words may be the same. The experience of hearing them can be very different.
That difference is part of what Allison works with. She watches how someone’s eyes, voice, posture, and pace shift in response to their partner. Slowing down gives both people a chance to notice what’s happening while there’s still time to respond differently.
When One Partner Has More Practice Talking About Feelings
Allison has heard men describe feeling teamed up against in therapy. In the couples she works with, she’s seen what can happen when one partner is used to describing emotions quickly and the other struggles to find words under pressure. That imbalance can shape whose version of events gets heard and how the therapist interprets the quieter person’s response.
Allison recalls seeing a little boy crying in a mall. The adult with him told him to stop because he looked like a girl. The moment stayed with her. A child who hears that message learns something about what other people expect him to do with his distress. A man who has spent years swallowing it may have very little practice putting it into words in front of someone else.
Some men respond to the pressure by looking away, making a joke, or minimizing what happened. Those reactions can come across as dismissive, and a partner can be understandably hurt by them. Understanding what the reaction is doing for the person who uses it gives the couple and therapist somewhere to start.
One job of the therapist is to notice when the conversation has become too fast or lopsided for both people to participate. Allison describes watching for an early change in someone’s eyes, before their shoulders drop or they look away. She can intervene at that point by slowing her own voice, helping one partner put words to what just happened, and giving the other space to describe the impact.
Why a Genuine Repair Can Be Hard to Receive
Ryan asks what happens when the other partner arrives with years of frustration. Allison describes how past disappointments can show up in the middle of a new interaction. One person starts to reach out, while the other is already anticipating what usually happens next.
You can see how quickly that becomes a loop. She hears the start of a familiar promise and braces for another letdown. He sees her expression change and braces for criticism. His voice hardens or he pulls back. To her, that looks like confirmation that the old pattern is still running.
Both people’s reactions have a history. Hearing about how your partner learned to protect himself may give you context, but the hurt you’ve accumulated still deserves attention. In the episode, Ryan and Allison talk about helping each partner understand the other’s experience while making room for the work each person needs to do.
Practice the Skills Outside the Fight
Allison compares developing these skills to strength training. It takes repetition, and it helps to start somewhere you can actually practice. If sitting down with a journal feels like one more test you can fail, try answering a one-sentence prompt on your phone. Music, art, time outside, or an improv group can also give you a way to notice what’s happening in you and begin putting words to it.
Ryan and Allison also talk about learning to draw another person out. The next time a friend tells you a story, try asking, “How was that for you?” Give them time to answer before you share your own experience. You can learn a lot by watching people who are good at this and noticing how they use their attention, their face, and their voice to make the other person feel heard.
Try One Small Repair
Allison describes inviting one partner to think of something they genuinely appreciate about the other person and let it show in their face. In a calm moment, see what happens when you let your partner catch that warmth before you say anything. It may be a smaller step than finding the perfect words, and it gives you both something you can notice right away.
Start with a manageable moment. If your partner is telling you about something hard, notice what happens when you turn toward them, soften your voice, and acknowledge one thing you understand about their experience. Something as simple as “I can see why that was hard” can give them a different experience of talking with you.
If you’re the one who goes blank, try saying what you can say in the moment. “I want to answer. I need a second to figure out what I’m feeling.” In therapy, that gives the therapist something concrete to help with. At home, it gives your partner a better idea of what’s happening as you go quiet.
Key Takeaway
If you grew up with little practice talking about emotions, it makes sense that a high-pressure therapy session would be a hard place to start. You can build those skills through small, repeatable experiences. A therapist who pays attention to both people can help you practice them in a room where the pace gives you a chance to stay present.
Listen to Episode 61 of Tough Love for Men, “When Men Feel Outmatched in Couples Therapy with Allison Howe,” for the full conversation.
Connect with Allison Howe
Website: https://allisonhowelmhc.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AllisonHoweLMHC
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/allison-howe-b27a224/
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Learn more about Tough Love for Men and our relationship work at https://www.beingmen.net/.
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