Understanding Existential Crisis and Ego Deaths with Roy Wang
There may come a point in life when something that once gave you purpose stops feeling meaningful.
A career you worked hard to build no longer excites you. An identity you've carried for years begins to feel restrictive. The goals you thought would bring fulfillment no longer seem to fit the person you're becoming.
You may not know what comes next. You only know that something has changed.
In Episode 60 of Tough Love for Men, Ryan talks with Roy Wang, founder of Sacred Wildman, about existential crises, ego deaths, and the often uncomfortable process of letting go of who we've been to discover who we're becoming.
Drawing from his own experiences with spiritual transformation, psychology, and men's work, Roy explores why these periods of uncertainty may serve an important purpose in our development.
Rather than viewing every existential crisis as something to immediately fix or escape, what might happen if we learned to approach these transitions with curiosity?
What Is an Existential Crisis or Ego Death?
An existential crisis often involves questioning the beliefs, identities, and structures that have helped us make sense of our lives.
It can emerge through a major life transition, a crisis of faith, a changing relationship, or the realization that the future we've been working toward no longer feels right.
Roy describes these experiences through the lens of rites of passage and initiation.
In many traditional stories and myths, transformation requires passing through a threshold. Something familiar must end before something new can emerge.
An ego death, in this context, refers to the unraveling of an identity we've come to associate with who we are.
That identity might be a profession, a belief system, a relationship role, or an image of ourselves we've spent years maintaining.
Roy shares that after seven years working as a men's and relationship coach, he began questioning whether that identity still fit. While his interest in his previous work was fading, he found himself increasingly drawn toward spirituality, existential psychology, and Jungian shadow work.
He could sense a new direction emerging but wasn't yet ready to fully release the old one.
That tension is a central part of the conversation.
Why We Struggle to Let Go of Old Identities
Our identities provide stability.
They help us understand our place in the world, how others relate to us, and what makes our lives meaningful.
Letting go of an identity can therefore feel threatening, even when we recognize that we've outgrown it.
Ryan shares a personal example from his experience as a father. As his daughter enters sixth grade and becomes more independent, he notices himself beginning to confront the loss of an earlier version of fatherhood.
For years, being needed by a young child has provided a particular kind of meaning and emotional satisfaction.
As that relationship naturally changes, a new question emerges: Who am I when I'm no longer needed in the same way?
This experience reflects something that extends far beyond parenting.
We may hold tightly to a job, role, relationship, or belief because we don't yet know who we'll be without it.
Roy suggests that Western culture offers relatively few shared rituals or spaces for acknowledging these smaller deaths throughout life. We're often encouraged to focus on growth, achievement, and moving forward without giving equal attention to the grief that accompanies change.
Yet endings are an unavoidable part of development.
The Liminal Space: When the Old Is Gone but the New Hasn’t Arrived
One of the most difficult stages of transformation is what Roy describes as the liminal space.
It's the period between identities, when the familiar way of living no longer works but the next chapter hasn't fully taken shape.
This stage can feel deeply disorienting.
We may experience grief, anxiety, anger, uncertainty, or a powerful urge to return to what we know.
Roy describes this as a descent, drawing on the symbolism of ancient myths and stories.
Our culture tends to celebrate ascension: the breakthrough, the victory, the moment when everything finally makes sense.
We spend far less time discussing what happens during the descent.
What do we do when the answers aren't available? When our usual distractions stop working? When we're forced to confront feelings we've spent years avoiding?
For Roy, his current transition has brought a renewed relationship with writing, journaling, voice notes, creativity, and even healthy aggression.
Rather than immediately trying to resolve every uncomfortable feeling, he's allowing himself to explore what those feelings might reveal.
The liminal space may be uncomfortable, but it can also create room for parts of ourselves that haven't yet had an opportunity to emerge.
Why Men Need Community During Existential Transitions
One of the strongest themes in Ryan and Roy's conversation is the importance of having other people alongside us during difficult transitions.
For many men, the expected path through adulthood is presented as relatively linear.
Go to school. Build a career. Buy a home. Get married. Have children. Save for retirement.
There is often little preparation for what happens when that path stops feeling meaningful or life moves in an unexpected direction.
Without context or support, an existential crisis can become an isolating experience.
A man may assume that his uncertainty means he's failed, that something is wrong with him, or that everyone else has somehow figured out life.
Roy reflects on his own crisis of faith while attending graduate school for counseling psychology.
During that period, he began questioning not only his religious identity but also his motivations for entering a helping profession. He recognized that part of his desire to help others was connected to a hope that he might ultimately save himself.
Being surrounded by other students navigating their own questions about identity, faith, and purpose helped him recognize that he wasn't alone in the experience.
Ryan shares a similar experience from his early adulthood, when depression, anxiety, and existential uncertainty eventually led him toward a Buddhist community at the San Francisco Zen Center.
Both experiences illustrate the value of having a space where difficult questions can be expressed without shame.
A trusted guide, community, or group can help someone find language for what they're experiencing and feel supported while navigating it.
These transitions don't have to happen in isolation.
When Self Improvement Isn’t Enough
Modern culture offers countless ways to optimize our lives.
We can improve our morning routines, track our sleep, refine our nutrition, follow training programs, and develop habits intended to maximize performance.
These practices can be useful, but they don't necessarily answer deeper questions about meaning, identity, or purpose.
Ryan and Roy discuss how someone can appear to be doing everything right while still feeling profoundly disconnected from their life.
When this happens, the instinct may be to search for another routine, strategy, or solution.
Yet the discomfort may be pointing toward something that cannot be resolved through optimization alone.
It may require making space for grief, uncertainty, creativity, and questions that don't have immediate answers.
Sometimes the work is learning how to listen to what is changing within us rather than trying to force ourselves back into an identity that no longer fits.
The Creative Force Behind Transformation
Roy introduces another concept that has helped him understand his current experience: the daemonic.
Drawing from existential psychologist Rollo May and the work of Carl Jung, he describes the daemonic as a powerful natural force that can move through human experience.
Creativity, anger, desire, and other deeply felt impulses can carry an intensity that seems larger than our conscious plans.
Roy relates this idea to the experience of transformation.
What if some of the tension we feel during an existential crisis comes from a creative impulse toward a life we cannot yet fully imagine?
He uses the image of spices being ground in a mortar and pestle.
The process involves crushing, tension, and pressure, yet it also releases the spices' aroma.
Similarly, the process of releasing an old identity may involve discomfort while creating space for something previously unexplored.
This doesn't mean every painful experience is necessary or that suffering should be romanticized.
It offers another way to consider the discomfort that can accompany meaningful change.
As Roy observes during the conversation, breakdown often precedes breakthrough.
How Do You Move Through an Existential Crisis?
One of the most practical moments in the episode comes when Ryan asks Roy how someone can navigate the breakdown phase.
Roy doesn't offer a ten-step formula.
Instead, he reflects on how his own transitions have unfolded through uncertainty, support, and small decisions that gradually revealed a new direction.
During an earlier period of feeling lost, Roy spent considerable time struggling with what to do next after realizing he no longer wanted to pursue medicine.
Eventually, he took a simple action.
He drew two circles on a piece of paper: one for his greatest strengths and another for his greatest weaknesses.
That exercise helped him recognize his interest in one-on-one interactions and supporting other people. From there, he began exploring counseling as a possible career.
One step led to another.
He researched graduate programs, connected with a counselor, and eventually found his way into the educational path that would shape his future work.
He couldn't see the entire journey when he started.
He could only see the next step.
The conversation offers a few useful reminders for anyone navigating a similar transition:
Find language for what you're experiencing. Understanding concepts like existential crisis, ego death, or the liminal space may help you make sense of an unfamiliar experience.
Seek connection. A trusted friend, therapist, mentor, or supportive community can offer perspective when your own thoughts feel overwhelming.
Allow room for exploration. Journaling, reflection, conversation, and creative expression can help you notice what is emerging.
Take one manageable action. You don't need to know exactly who you're becoming before taking a step toward something that feels meaningful.
Release the expectation of a perfect process. Transformation may involve uncertainty, setbacks, and periods when progress is difficult to recognize.
There may not be a way to eliminate every uncomfortable part of change, but support and curiosity can make the process easier to navigate.
Finding Meaning in the Middle of Uncertainty
As the conversation closes, Roy reflects on the importance of remembering the value of being alive, even when our personal circumstances or the wider world feel overwhelming.
He draws on Viktor Frankl's work around meaning and the human capacity to choose how we respond to difficult circumstances.
He also references a moment from The Lord of the Rings that reminds us there is still good in the world worth protecting.
These stories offer something important during periods when our familiar sources of meaning begin to fall away.
We may not always have control over what changes in our lives. We can, however, continue looking for beauty, connection, and opportunities to contribute to the lives of others.
Even a small act of support can have an impact that extends beyond what we're able to see.
Key Takeaway
An existential crisis can leave you questioning everything you thought you knew about yourself.
While that uncertainty may feel frightening, it can also create an opportunity to examine the identities, beliefs, and expectations you've been carrying.
You don't have to rush toward a new version of yourself or navigate the process alone.
Sometimes the next chapter begins by acknowledging that the previous one has come to an end.
Listen to Episode 60 of the Tough Love for Men podcast, “Understanding Existential Crisis and Ego Deaths with Roy Wang,” for the full conversation.
Connect with Roy Wang
Sacred Wildman: https://www.sacredwildman.com/
Instagram: @sacredwildman
YouTube: Sacred Wildman
Learn more about Tough Love for Men and our relationship work at https://www.beingmen.net/.