Is It Me or Her? Understanding Relationship Dynamics
At some point in many long-term relationships, one partner finds themselves asking a hard question: “Is it me… or is it her?”
This isn’t usually a thought that comes up early on. Instead, it surfaces after years of cycling through conflict, disconnection, and frustration. The once-strong bond begins to feel fragile, and unresolved issues pile up until both partners start doubting the relationship’s future.
In the latest episode of The Crux, we dig into this question and offer a path forward for couples who feel stuck in this painful dynamic.
The Patterns That Keep Us Stuck
One of the most common cycles couples fall into is the avoider–chaser dynamic. One partner pursues closeness, while the other pulls back to avoid conflict. Over time, this chase-and-retreat pattern creates deeper misunderstandings, resentment, and a sense that the relationship itself might be unsustainable.
But the truth is, these patterns often reflect deeper issues — old wounds, fears, and unmet needs — rather than evidence that the relationship can’t work.
Start With Yourself
When everything feels like it’s falling apart, the first step isn’t fixing your partner. It’s checking in with yourself.
Are you sleeping well? Eating properly? Managing stress and your emotional health? These basics may seem unrelated to relational struggles, but when we’re physically or emotionally depleted, it’s nearly impossible to show up in love with patience and presence.
That’s why we encourage couples to first focus on resetting their own psycho-emotional physiology — and to seek support from healthcare providers, friends, or even retreats that help restore balance.
Leading With Responsibility
Healthy relationships require leadership. And leadership starts with personal accountability.
Taking ownership of your emotional state, building supportive friendships, and engaging in practices that regulate your nervous system are all essential steps. From there, you’re better equipped to support your partner without resentment or burnout.
When It’s Time for Professional Support
Once both partners are more resourced, the next step is structured couples therapy. We recommend working with therapists trained in methods like PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy), which focus on nervous system regulation and attuned repair.
Good therapy isn’t just about problem-solving — it’s about rebuilding safety, trust, and intimacy. The right container allows couples to address old wounds while carefully nurturing the spark that brought them together.
A Three-Step Path to Reset
We wrap up the episode by offering a simple but powerful framework for couples in crisis:
Reset Your Own Psycho-Emotional Physiology – Take care of yourself first.
Support Your Partner – Once you’re resourced, help create an environment where they can do the same.
Engage in Intensive Couples Work – Repair the relationship with professional guidance and intentional effort.
The Hope Beyond the Struggle
Resetting a relationship isn’t easy. It takes courage, humility, and a willingness to confront hard truths. But on the other side of that effort lies something profound: the possibility of not just repairing, but revitalizing your bond.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Is it me or her?” this episode will help you see that the answer isn’t about blame — it’s about growth.
🎧 Listen to the full episode of The Crux to dive deeper into these strategies and begin the process of transforming your relationship.